what I want.

I guess I could be the girl they want me to be or I could be the girl I have planned on being since the beginning. I could work hard and be nice, but is that really who I am anymore? does it matter if that is who I am, can't I change into that? I want to be a mix of the two girls but it just doesn't seem to happen. I change with who I am with and that is not a way to live. I am scared that if I find someone to love and they love one of me I will decide to change and they wont love me anymore... I am scared that I will never find someone to love. I like both of them but in different ways and I'm not sure I really know either of them and of course I'm too shy to speak up and they don't really know me so its a situation that will never get better unless I do something to change it. I am scared to death that once I know them or they know me I wont be what they expected or wanted out of me and they will leave just like everyone else has. They all left so I had to find a new place to be wanted and I cant do that forever because it gets tiring and at the end of the day you have no memories with the people you are with only the recent times that have no real depth. But the people you are with have those deep memories and they talk about them right in front of your face not to make you feel bad but more to please themselves about the long lasting friend they have. I want that. I want to have friends that stay and are my friends forever... I guess that would mean not running away from them. I have to stay... but then aren't I just denying myself of the expirences and friendships I could have even if they are shallow.

I guess I'm not sure what I want but I am sure that I want something... at this point most of what I want is Summer. I want the sun on my face, the smell of a good time, bonfires at night, and friends all around. I want to make memories that will last a lifetime because isn't that what high school is all about?

from where I'm standing I want the world to agree with me!