A Dulling Pencil

"Lie to me to my face please!" I don't know about you but this phrase has never come out of my mouth. I want people to tell me the truth. My friend lies and doesn't realize she is losing all the faith I once had in her. She'll never know because that is something I'll never tell her unless she specifically asks. If your reading this I hope you know that everytime you lie God and I keep a tally, and at some point we'll just stop because it will build up and you wont be worth our time any more. I write my tally with a pencil and when i make so many tallies that my pencil needs to be sharpened, I'm done. Just to let you know, my pencil is getting dull and honestly you didn't start out with a totally sharpened pencil. I know that was a long and somewhat boring analogy but thats how I feel at this point.

It's my friends birthday today and God I forgot how much I love doing fun things for others just to see them smile. I should do it more often, but like almost everyone else I know I get stuck in a rut that keeps me from it. I get selfish and dumb.

Sometimes I feel as though my words have no meaning because I say the same things over and over again hoping something will come of them. It reminds me of the definition of insanity "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." So apparently I'm insane.

From where I'm standing life seems almost clear...

suck on that world!

I am slowly working my way into a better mood. I had a bad day earlier this week (Monday) and another one though not as bad (Tuesday) and today was good. I am learning to let go of the stupid things I do and focus of the smart. Today, I won in tennis, was helpful in student leadership, and feel good about how I did on my AP Gov practice test...

from where I'm standing I am trying to make a difference and feel good about my life.

all for now...

Out of ideas

don't see the change, be the change...

God I should take my own advice!

"posty"

i am feeling very posty today but heres another one against my better judgement to stop writing.

being me is exhausting... not that I doubt being anyone else would take less energy... I think ive been silent for so long because I was insecure (still am) that I forgot how to speak. Truely...

phrase i hate the most rite now: "Just be yourself and it will be fine."
reason: the true me spends her time listening, observing, thinking, feeling alone, and silent and that isnt fine.

im scared that i will have something really imortant to say and i wont be able to do it not because i am scared but physically i forgot how.

recently talking to a friend i was asked how i was doing an my reply was this "oh u kno the normal feeling invisible, scared, happy, sad, angry, and depressed all wrapped up into a fantastic package i call myself"

how true.

almost done with this post i swear...

i just want to ask readers (if there are any) is being a fly on the wall always a good thing?

from where i'm standing posting seems to be the answer.

by the way posty is a word... and its mine!!!

here

forever me
forever here
forever holdin back my tears
I need a place where I can roam
but i cant do that unless i'm alone
and thats something i dont want to be
because life sucks when your forever me

not sure what this is but its a reflection of the day i had.

mute.

Its like I'm on TV and the viewer pressed the tiny button that says mute and makes my whole world change. Suddenly I can't speak but I can hear everyone else who is watching and waiting for me to say something. I feel as though I have lost my voice simply from a lack of using it. I spend time with myself and my thoughts. The company is good but honestly I want someone to understand or hear me. Its like i say something and no one hears except one person and then that person steals my idea and gets credit for it.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs but I am too self concious to do juts what I want. I want to say something and have people understand...

from where i'm standing life is awfully quiet.

A number...

The ever present question: Who are you?

When I am asked to answer this I freeze because I have no idea. I guess you can say I am a semi-upper class white female who likes sports. learning, and lying. I consider myself easy to get along with, but shy. I can add now that I am smart and got a 28 on my act!!! yea i just the letter and i thought i would share it with you... I am excited but I can tell the dissappointment in my dad's eyes. He was hoping for a 30 or better. I wanted it so bad! and what killed me was english and science... I got a 24 on english, 30 on math, 32 on reading, 26 on science, and 25 on writing. I am happy but not as happy as I should be which i should probably put in my description of myself. I expect too much making myself unhappy with things I should be happy with...

sorry I haven't written in a while I just haven't had much to say but now I do so expect more...

from where I'm standing I need to work on my description!