Forgetting the past

Forget what you know.
Forget what I told you.
Things change, but people change fast.
People change fast , but you changed faster.
I couldn't keep up.
You left me there waiting.
Waiting, like the old man on the corner
who waits for the bus because his children said
he needed to stop.
I look to the horizon
for you. I hope to see walking torward the shore.
I know if you were to come it wouldn't be that way,
but the thought of you walking on water
does nothing but make me say
You could have if you wanted
You never knew but I thought of you
You were able to make me fall to the ground with the sound of your voice
able to know all there is to know
able to do what others couldn't
able to be everywhere and no where at all
able to be you and you alone
and able to love me like no one else could
I blocked everyone but you out
I loved you
but things change, and people change fast
People change fast, but I changed faster.
I forgot what you told me
I forgot what I knew.

Only Fooling Myself

From where I'm standing I feel like I'm in a dinosaur movie. You know the one where all the slow dinosaurs get left behind because well they are slow but the one dinosaur who comes back to get them is the only one who is from somewhere else. He helps them and they end up better off then the rest of the pack because they find water, get to the "promise land" before anyone else (because they find a new way instead of going the way that they used to go which is now blocked off), and then that one dinosaur goes back to tell the others and helps them escape from the T-Rex. Yea so I've seen this movie a couple times. I feel like I am one of the dinosaurs that has been left behind because I'm different. I feel like I'm back here waiting to see one person step out of the group and come back and save me.

I like to pretend that
One day I’ll turn around - I’ll see your hand reach out
I’m only fooling myself, oh, - But maybe when you smile
It means you’d stay awhile - Just maybe you’d save me now
"Only Fooling Myself"
-Kate Voegele



I feel like everyone around me is selfish and acts completely on impulse. Am I the only one who thinks about what she's doing? Am I the only one who cares about others? I am starting to give up on caring for others because I see no point. I rarly help anyone and usually if I help one person it makes someone else suffer and should it really be my choice to make someone suffer? Every action has an equal and opposite reaction... So I make the first action by helping and the equal and opposite reaction is my fault. It doesn't seem fair.


On one side I want readers and on the other I want this to be a secret from the world I live in. I can't decide whether to tell anyone about this... Things look crazy and messed up from where I'm standing...

Defiant and Such...

I am lost. It's like some on took a cosmic shit and it is being flushed down the toilet right around me. AKA there is shit happening everywhere. Everywhere I look someone needs something, someone is mad at someone, someone wants someone else, someone is unhappy. I don't have time to think about my own shit these days. I need someone to care what happens to me. I think I am slowly switching groups of friends whcih is sad because these were some of the best friends I have ever had. They were there. They were truly the first friends I ever had and now I am leaving them. When I think in depth of mhy we are drifting apart I feel like I am not leaving them at all, they are leaving me. They found someone who doesn't need their shoulder right now and apparently that is appealing. I need a shoulder, but because I need it they pull away instead of being the friend I like to think I was to them. I need to get away from this situation. I know people always say they need to get away and when they do the same thing happens. I will be different I am sure of it. If I leave I will be happier. I can start being the person I want to be instead of the person people expect me to be. What sucks about people expecting you to be a certain way, is that when you change like all people do they can't handle it. They want you to be the same and they demand it out of you. I have had to pretend to be the person I used to be because the person I am now either isn't good enough or just isn't what they need or want. I am sick of pleasing other people. I want to please myself. I have told myself this so many times but I really want it this time. I am going to be the person I want to be! I am going to be thoughtful, kind, sarcastic, smart, OCD, deep, and happy. This is who I am and this is who I want to be! It seems the pressure I feel from my friends to be the old me has stuck me in this place with the unhappiness of the old me, the insecurity of the old me, the smarts of the new me, the OCD of the new me, the meaness of the old me, and the sarcasticness of the new me. This all together is a sucky person that is worse than any me I have been. I am me and no one can stop me!

From where I'm standing life is gonna look a lot different.

Happiness

From where I'm standing happiness is a mind set. Though sometimes you don't want to blame your unhappiness on your self, it is your choice to be happy. The problem with happiness is that to get the mind set of being happy it takes a lot of work and a little work. Happiness has other problems as well including the fact that it usually comes at the cost of someone else's happiness. Another is that in most cases it doesn't last long. I had a good day if you couldn't tell. There was no real reason, it was just good! I guess luck was on my side today. Happy almost Friday!

From where I'm standing I say be happy, not because someone says you should, or because something good happens, but because you can because it is your choice to be happy!

Lying through my teeth

From where I'm standing I'm sick of being an outsider. Do you ever want to just feel like you belong? Shouldn't when you find that group, of people you feel like you belong with, stick with them? Why is life so much like a roller coaster. I spend my days inside my head. I think about what has happened in the past, what is happening now, and what I think and/or want to happen in the future. I find that the past seems to fluctuate between good and bad, the present always seems bad, and the future depends on if I'm thinking of what I want to happen or what I think will happen. I wan to remain close to my friends, but I hnestly don't think that will happen. I have wasted so much time thinking about whether its worth the effort... Should I make my relationship with them better or should I let it keep going the way it has been. It's not that I feel like they don't like me or even that I don't like them its more about timing, priorities, communication, and the relationship we already have. I have never been the type of person to let others in on what I am feeling or thinking. I used to think it was a way of protecting myself, but more and more I think it is a way to ruin myself. By holding everything in I get in weird moods that make me angry, emotional, happy, or unhappy. I find myself in the mood of angry at this moment. I want so badly to feel like I belong in a group or with someone, but because of the wall I have built I can't reach out to anyone when I need it. I don't trust myself let alone anyone else. I am a closed book. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that I will change or that I even could. I have tried to be more open, but find that when trying I lose who I am and thats not worth it. I am not sure what to do at this point...

lyrics describing how I feel about my friends:

here's to you
and all your loving thoughts
here's to you
you're such a fuckin' bore
here's to youf
or bringing me down
here's to you
...
here's to you (here's to you)
for bringing me down
here's to you (here's to you)
i'm glad you're gone now
ain't it true
what comes around goes around
here's to you (what comes around goes around)
here's to you (i'm glad you're gone now)
ain't it truewhat comes around goes around
here's to all the fucked up things you do

"Here's to You"
Diffuser


From where I'm standing I'm confused!

From Where I'm Standing

From where I'm standing
you're the quiet side of the road
you're looking so lonely
and I can't stop looking at you
your head is hanging
trying to beat those goodbye blues
I bet you'll be fine
I bet you'll be fine
I guess it's not the way you always planned it
looks like you're heading for a crash landing
that's just the way it looks
from where I'm standing
from where I'm standing
from where I'm standing
I think I caught your eye
are you looking at me cause
I swear I saw you smile
and I'm coming over
gonna take things off your mind
and I bet you'll be fine
and I bet you'll be fine

"From Where I'm Standing"
Schuyler Fisk


This song is the inspiration for my writing this blog. I want to keep an account of the world from where I'm standing. My opinions, feelings, and beliefs about friends, family, politics, love, happiness, school, well pretty much life in general. Sometimes things will get ugly. I might bash my family, my friends, political figures, celebrities, or someone you love. And other times things will be beautiful whether it is poetry, song lyrics, stories, or just a good day. I have no idea how often I will write but when I do know that it will be special, if not to you thne to me. I appreciate commments, but I honstly don't expect them. If you disagree with me, know that I realize that I am not always right and not everyone is feeling this way or I might be totally out of line but this is me.