God's Bird's make me Happy...

oh the day I've had... waking up angry with the world and everyone in it, taking a walk to clear my head which ended up making it that much worse, not doing any homework, family dinner where my mom decided to tell stories about me while I was at the table, and thenyouth group where everything came together... Do you ever find that God has a way of making things better and pulling people together?

look up the song called "Mary Poppin's Birds" bby Nathan Angelo... it made me happy today when I wasn't

Scared

In response to my last post and o he day I have had all I really want to say is that I am scared... I am scared of people, myself, change, no change, but mostly people. I have said before that I can't be myself because of many reason but it is because I am not scared what people's reaction will be but more scared to be myself in the first place. But when you spend so much time doing nothing you lose the physical/mental power to do anything. I hav spent so much time being scared that I am afraid that if I ever get over my fear I wont be able to do anything...

I guess I need to ask myself if being scared is worth anything at all. I never get in trouble, but rarely have fun... is anything worth it... YES being alive and spontaneous is worth anything and everything. I want so badly to be ok but is writing to the infinite places of the internet really helping?

time

i guess things have been ok but i still find myself not confident enough to be myself and do what i want when I am around people who judge. I guess I just want to be me and have everyone be ok with that but i guess shit happens and I need to realize that being myself comes ay a cost... that cost being not everyone liking that person I am. I guess I should figure out who I am before I try and be that person and fall on my face... I am going out of town for a couple days and when I come back someone new is going to be here... maybe I can be myself around him...

from where I'm standing I think I'll use this time to find who I am.

one moment at a time...

fighting the numbness I know so well is an everyday fight. I find that good music, friends, family, and God make the fight worth while. I want to be able to feel the groove of good music, the happiness of being around friends, and the love that both my family and God spill over me. I have made a decision to live my life with my fists up against that numbness that has found a home in my soul. I want to wake up and feel something happening within me. I want to be the person I want and the person God wants me to be. I think I am going to change even if it hurts something has to happen because the way I am living is not what anyone wants (except maybe the devil). I went to church today... for the first time inn over two years. Like I have been to youth group, and I've been to Sunday school when I need to be, but actual service its been a long while. Maybe if I change a little at a time soon everyone will forget that I was ever at this point where I spent the night crying myself to sleep. I want to be the perosn who no one knows what your thinking except they know its something good, I want to be mysterious to a point where I am still approachable.

From where I'm sanding looks like I have to start taking things day by day...

eternal numbness?

I feel numb again but no suprise there... really did anyone think it would last. you change but then unless you are completely somewhere new the people you know pull you back into the person you were... again I cry for help even though it still doesnt feel right. And again no one is listening. I guess i could try harder but at the end of the day I still have over a year left before a change of scenery... "Be the change you wish to see in the world" how can I when the world refuses to change even after I do. I am going back to the way I was and only you can help me.

scared

Things are changing whether you want to believe it or not... Sometimes change is good which you can always hope for but a lot of the time it turns out bad... and thats when you turn to the people you love and say "Help" this is me saying help. I am scared that I can't do this by myself and also that if I ask for help i will end up hating those who help and they will hate me...

From where I'm standing help doesn't seem like the right word but even with a dictionary at my side its the only one that fits...

Changed!

So its been a while but I am back and I feel different. I was on a mission trip in Mexico and I think it may have changed my life... I can't really explain it but I think that life is going to be good from now on. Just thought I would let you in on what has been happening.


From where I'm standing things just got a lot better and its for real this time!