God's Bird's make me Happy...

oh the day I've had... waking up angry with the world and everyone in it, taking a walk to clear my head which ended up making it that much worse, not doing any homework, family dinner where my mom decided to tell stories about me while I was at the table, and thenyouth group where everything came together... Do you ever find that God has a way of making things better and pulling people together?

look up the song called "Mary Poppin's Birds" bby Nathan Angelo... it made me happy today when I wasn't

Scared

In response to my last post and o he day I have had all I really want to say is that I am scared... I am scared of people, myself, change, no change, but mostly people. I have said before that I can't be myself because of many reason but it is because I am not scared what people's reaction will be but more scared to be myself in the first place. But when you spend so much time doing nothing you lose the physical/mental power to do anything. I hav spent so much time being scared that I am afraid that if I ever get over my fear I wont be able to do anything...

I guess I need to ask myself if being scared is worth anything at all. I never get in trouble, but rarely have fun... is anything worth it... YES being alive and spontaneous is worth anything and everything. I want so badly to be ok but is writing to the infinite places of the internet really helping?

time

i guess things have been ok but i still find myself not confident enough to be myself and do what i want when I am around people who judge. I guess I just want to be me and have everyone be ok with that but i guess shit happens and I need to realize that being myself comes ay a cost... that cost being not everyone liking that person I am. I guess I should figure out who I am before I try and be that person and fall on my face... I am going out of town for a couple days and when I come back someone new is going to be here... maybe I can be myself around him...

from where I'm standing I think I'll use this time to find who I am.

one moment at a time...

fighting the numbness I know so well is an everyday fight. I find that good music, friends, family, and God make the fight worth while. I want to be able to feel the groove of good music, the happiness of being around friends, and the love that both my family and God spill over me. I have made a decision to live my life with my fists up against that numbness that has found a home in my soul. I want to wake up and feel something happening within me. I want to be the person I want and the person God wants me to be. I think I am going to change even if it hurts something has to happen because the way I am living is not what anyone wants (except maybe the devil). I went to church today... for the first time inn over two years. Like I have been to youth group, and I've been to Sunday school when I need to be, but actual service its been a long while. Maybe if I change a little at a time soon everyone will forget that I was ever at this point where I spent the night crying myself to sleep. I want to be the perosn who no one knows what your thinking except they know its something good, I want to be mysterious to a point where I am still approachable.

From where I'm sanding looks like I have to start taking things day by day...

eternal numbness?

I feel numb again but no suprise there... really did anyone think it would last. you change but then unless you are completely somewhere new the people you know pull you back into the person you were... again I cry for help even though it still doesnt feel right. And again no one is listening. I guess i could try harder but at the end of the day I still have over a year left before a change of scenery... "Be the change you wish to see in the world" how can I when the world refuses to change even after I do. I am going back to the way I was and only you can help me.

scared

Things are changing whether you want to believe it or not... Sometimes change is good which you can always hope for but a lot of the time it turns out bad... and thats when you turn to the people you love and say "Help" this is me saying help. I am scared that I can't do this by myself and also that if I ask for help i will end up hating those who help and they will hate me...

From where I'm standing help doesn't seem like the right word but even with a dictionary at my side its the only one that fits...

Changed!

So its been a while but I am back and I feel different. I was on a mission trip in Mexico and I think it may have changed my life... I can't really explain it but I think that life is going to be good from now on. Just thought I would let you in on what has been happening.


From where I'm standing things just got a lot better and its for real this time!

Only God Knows what this was...

so I decided to make myself a cd to make me feel better... and it is taking a long time to burn... I'm bored and sadly this is all I could think of doing...

I hate regreting things... but I make myself do it all the time... I regret not being selfish on my trip to Brazil, I regret not telling him how I feel, I regret not being myself around some people, I regret so much and yet here I am sitting alone at my computer tonight regreting not going to that bonfire becuase I was "tired" I regret it and I knew I would but there I was text my friend saying that I had to pack/clean so my parents wouldnt let me leave the house.

my cd still has 10 min so i have to fill that time in some way... lets see. I guess I could practice my improv writing: Once upon a time there was a girl, but unlike every other fairy tale this girl had the perfect life but was tormented on the inside. She was haunted by an alter ego that just happened to be named Andrea. The girl faught with Andrea nonstop, trying to find a way to compromise with her. The girl was about to be married to her "prince Charming", Alex.
The girl's name was bethany. Andrea had always told her that her name started with a B because she was supposed to come second to Andrea which started with an A. Long story short Andrea realized the only reason B came second is because that is how she was taught the alphabet. Unlike numbers the alphabet has a set number of letters. Numbers can keep going but letters can only go so far, but they can go in a circle. B could be first and A could be the very last it all depended on perspective...

wow that was just about the dumbest thing I have ever written but I am not erasing it because I am tired and I'll probably think its funny tomorrow...

so about 1 minute left until my cd is done so I guess I'll just say a really long goodbye.

So long farewell to you my friend, from where I'm standing I need to work on my improv writing...

until next time good buddy!

I need to decide!

as long as I'm me and everyone else is everyone else I can't be who I want to be, I have to be the me that already exists. I guess I can try but how do you start something like that? do you start with a single leap into the unknown or do you take small steps to get there.

Do I tell the guy I like him now or do I wait and get to know him (something I don't usually do and am not good at) and then tell him?

Do I just decide to be happy or do I take it one happy moment at a time?

Do I learn to flirt and then put it into practice or do I blindly flirt hoping its right?

Do I change who I am now or wait until college when I can start over with a blank slate?

From where I'm standing I guess I'm still confused...

Push Me!

QUESTION: Can anyone tell that I am lying through my teeth?

I feel alone and scared... I need someone to tell me that I need to stop being so fucking stupid and tell them how I feel. If I deny you push me, make me tell you exactly what you want to know b/c the truth is I want to tell you I just can't because like all my other problems in life this one starts with the fact that I have no idea what I am doing. I am a self sabataging (sp?) bitch who takes her pain out on others and is pretty much socially retarded. I keep so much shit in my head I lose my real feelings. I want to break out of my shell but I am so fucking self conscious that I wont do anything. HELP ME! I am slipping into the dark place again and the only one who can save me is you... whoever you are.

from where I'm standing I am in need of serious help!

frustration...

the last few posts have been short mostly because I am in that dark place again... well kinda... I am almost there. I have been working on reversing that but the only thing that makes me happy is sugar, but sugar doesnt really fit in when I am trying to lose weight... I am in a pickle... I want sugar to make me happy but sugar makes me fat which in return makes me unhappy, so i guess the choice is either depressed now or happy now/fat/depressed later... the choice may seem obvious but from where I'm standing happiness seems worth any price. I think I'll go with choice two for now but then again that is just how I feel at this moment.

i need to get creative again but I cant seem to do that while I am in summer mode... I almost want school to start because when my brain is working regularly I get the creative juices flowing. I need an outlet...

I have tried to write but because I am so out of practice that doesnt work>
I have tried physical excersize but i am too out of shape to do anything without feeling selfconcious (sp?).
I thought about midnight walks but the bugs are so bad this time of year I would come back as one swollen bug bite.

I am out of ideas... any suggestions?

lost

Lost in a life that doesn't seem like its mine I walk alone to be forever alone...

I feel better in pain

ever feel numb? emotionally I feel nothing...

liar liar pants on fire!

I am going back to what I know is true... people lie. I lie so much people have come to expect it. This scares me because at some point I began to expect myself to lie even when i didnt have to say anything. I want to go back to those times when I was known for being honest, where people could trust me and most importantly I could trust myself. I am not going to make one of those stupid promises not to lie but I am going to make a pact to think before I speak... and ask myself could I say something truthful instead or just stay quiet.

from where I'm standing life got a whole lot less lie-filled.

waiting

in the back of a secret compartment that is in the back of the part of my mind that no one sees but me I admit to myself that I am scared of feeling real emotions. I admit that I like him but I force myself not to feel anything for him or take any action because if I do then I have to face my fear and that is just something I am not ready for. So until I can face my fears I am stuck in a spot that makes me feel nothing. I am alone in this comparment in my mind. Sometimes I listen to music there or read because it helps me pass the time while I wait to grow up enough to muster up the courage and face what I should and feel something, anything. Because if I feel anything then I can feel love for him, or whoever he is at when I get to that point in my life.

from where I'm standing I'm not sure if any of that made sense... but then again its the summer... so should I have to make sense?

Brazil!!!

I'm home from the best trip of my life... mostly because its the only real trip i've been on... I was in Brazil for 15 days!

We were in Manaus, Salvador, oro Preto (sp?), and Rio.

Like always, I wanted this trip to change who I was and unfortunately i made into to the person I was before I started this blog of self discovery... I was a people pleasing, shy girl who didn't expirence the Brazil she wanted. I could have done it had I stayed true to myself but of couse I got lost in the hustle and forgot who I was. Never the less it was AMAZING!!!

from where I'm standing I need to either stop trying to change and be the person I want or I need to let myself go and be a person I hate... you probably know my answer but unfortunatly this might take a while because its summer and no one changes un the summer in my town... or do they?

?

simple question: Do nice people really win in the end?

Happy Day!

if you haven't seen the movie sister act 2 then you should b/c there is a scene where the choir first sings. They sing "Oh Happy Day"... the song gives me chills...


I am self conflicted yet again by whether or not I want to share my secrets... I have many and sometimes I feel they are mine to keep and other times I feel like my friends feel that because I dont tell them I dont trust them but i do... I trust them with more than they know. I have to push myself to tell them what I have... I love my friends... Thanks guys!

wake up!

My advice to you (anyone out there): Go for what you want because as cliche as it sounds only you are standing in your way.

I woke up this morning feeling like the whole world wanted me to do something but I just wouldn't do it. So now I am. I am getting out there and being exactly the person I want to be.

You should do the same!

reflection on my last post

looking at my previous post I see that I had a lot to say for the first three days of June... I like June, its a happy month that brings smiles to all the faces of the world... well except those who live on thesouthern side of the equator b/c its their winter in June...

ttfn

what I want.

I guess I could be the girl they want me to be or I could be the girl I have planned on being since the beginning. I could work hard and be nice, but is that really who I am anymore? does it matter if that is who I am, can't I change into that? I want to be a mix of the two girls but it just doesn't seem to happen. I change with who I am with and that is not a way to live. I am scared that if I find someone to love and they love one of me I will decide to change and they wont love me anymore... I am scared that I will never find someone to love. I like both of them but in different ways and I'm not sure I really know either of them and of course I'm too shy to speak up and they don't really know me so its a situation that will never get better unless I do something to change it. I am scared to death that once I know them or they know me I wont be what they expected or wanted out of me and they will leave just like everyone else has. They all left so I had to find a new place to be wanted and I cant do that forever because it gets tiring and at the end of the day you have no memories with the people you are with only the recent times that have no real depth. But the people you are with have those deep memories and they talk about them right in front of your face not to make you feel bad but more to please themselves about the long lasting friend they have. I want that. I want to have friends that stay and are my friends forever... I guess that would mean not running away from them. I have to stay... but then aren't I just denying myself of the expirences and friendships I could have even if they are shallow.

I guess I'm not sure what I want but I am sure that I want something... at this point most of what I want is Summer. I want the sun on my face, the smell of a good time, bonfires at night, and friends all around. I want to make memories that will last a lifetime because isn't that what high school is all about?

from where I'm standing I want the world to agree with me!

YEA!!!

something clicked... i am me again and glad to be so!

insane in the membrane

control what you can and deal with everything else... problem is I don't feel like I can control anything...


going insane

HELP ME!!!

Bad to the bone

clues to know when your in a bad mood:
when you are angry at someone but you cant decide who
you want to be creative but your mind doesnt want to be
you want to do something but you dont know what
you wan to go back to bed and start over but again your mind says no
your sad but dont know why
you arent angry with yourself when you probably should be
when you want to scream but dont have the guts


someone help!

my person

I have decided that in order to be functional you must be honest with three people. First you must be honest with yourself. Second, your savior, whomever it may be. Third, your person, you must pick one person not alredy mentioned to be honest with. My problem is that my person isn't consistant. I change my person every time I feel the need to be honest.

wanted.

I find my self surrounded by all the guys I like. From the one I sit by in second hour, to the one I sit by in third, to the one who is in my fifth hour, to the one who I met in sixth grade and moved away in eighth, to the one I met in first grade and moved away in third, but mmostly I constantly find myself surrounded by the thought of all of them put together in one perfect guy who wants me back.

Goop.

Watch me learn to love, watch me learn to find better friends then the one you've been to me, watch me be happy, and I'll watch you throw your life away. I will want to laugh, but I wont because I will know that I was so close to that some life. I could have followed your lead and ended up where you will but instead I found my own way. I learned to love, I learned to find better friends than you, and I learned to be happy even when I was alone. I want to be your friend but I have to be selfish and not. I need to think about myself and what will help me in the long run. I have better friends who don't lie, who don't keep secrets from me, and friends who know when I need them and when I don't. I needed you and you weren't there and when I don't want any one around you were always there trying to be the friend that people told you should be. I am sick of it but I wont tell you that. I will show you. I am swiss, I am quiet, I am easy going, I am changing, and I am letting you go.


this is mental goop flowing out like I have so much to say when all I really want to say is that I am changing from a bitch to a friend. Unfortunatly for you you wont be one of the friends.

Good.

I am imperfect but I guess you already knew that. I can tell by the way you twitch everytime I gossip or the way you sigh when I complain about nothing. I have so much to give but in the world we live in the bad is all we seem to see and sometimes when we look at the bad we only see the basic bad stuff not the real things that are going on. We look at africa and say what a mess when we should be saying get me the hell over there to help. Not that we can do anything to help people we don't know anything about so maybe we should learn a little something about the Africans before we go over and attempt to fix the problems they have been trying to fix for years. I guess I said all this to prove to you that I'm not the only one at fault in this game. You look at me and see the bad and try to fix it without knowing why the bad is there, you miss the good that is there too. I am good, and I am imperfect. Seem contradictory? if so, get your eyes checked because those two words go hand in hand in all people.


not sure what I want but from where I'm standing summer is almost here and that is sure to help.

???

So i scream and think no one can hear me but the truth is they hear it but only at a whisper because though I want to scream my mond says yes but do it quietly. The real problem is when someone finally shuts up enough to hear me scream at a whisper and ask why I was screaming I say that I am okay. I am not okay but I cant tel you because I don't want to be that girl who needs someone. I want to be the girl who is the someone for everyone else.


From where I'm standing I am confused and alone... by choice.

silence in a scream

I have decided that no one can hear me screaming because though I am screaming no sound is being made. I suffer in silence wow who would have thought that about me. Not sure what else to say mostly because I have a huge paper due tomorrow and I haven't started...

from where I'm standing its going to be a long night...

hmmmmmm...

Its like my eyes fixate on him and I am screaming out his name but all he hears is me saying hi! sick of being the girl who has never had a guy... sick of being that girl who wants things but doesn't make it happen... scared to be that girl who gets it... learning to be me one step at a time...


not sure but I think I'm growing

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Feeling like no one can hear me screaming...

An Easy Step.

Your sick of trying? yet you try just one more time in case that time was the time you were meant to succeed. I am sick of trying to be happy. Sadly, for me being happy doesn't come natural. Everytime you see me with a smile it was worked for. I have to remind myself to be happy. I have to check myself to make sure I'm not making other people sad becuase I am. I have no reason to be sad. My life is great which makes me even more sad because I have no reason to in the first place. I am sick and tired of trying. I would like to have to have this next line be something like "So, I'm going to fix it all with one easy step." unfortunatly this is reality and nothing is fixed with one easy step.

I guess all I can say is that I am going to somewhat model my life after this song:

Tears are forming in your eyes,a storm is warning in the skies,the end of the world it seems,you bend down and you fall on your knees,well get back on your feet ,yeah,don't look away, don't run away,baby it's only life,don't lose your faith,don't run away,it's only life.you were always playing hard,never could let down your guard,you can't win, if you never give in,to that voice within, saying pick up your chin, baby let go of it , yeah,don't look away, don't run away , baby, it's only life.don't lose your faith, don't run away,baby it's only life.(repeat)take your hesitance, and your self defense,leave them behind, it's only life,don't be so afraid of facing every day, just take your time, it's only life,i'll be your stepping stone, don't be so alone, just hold on tight,it's only life,oh..don't look away, don't run away,baby it's only life,don't lose your faith, don't run away, baby, it's only life (repeat),it's only life, it's only life,don't look away...


"It's Only Life" by Kate Voegele


From where I'm standing it's only life.

Hell.

New name for a new novel I'm writing: Hell in a Chapel. it is inspired by a story I heard from a Lady whom I did some yard work for today. Her husband was in brain surgery at a catholic hospital and she was down at the chapel and she described the was nurses and doctors would come in and tell all these people who were praying that their loved ones hadn't made it. THen she said "Talk about hell" I had never heard of a chapel being described as hell so it stuck out and now I am going to write a book "inspired" by it... when I say inspired it means thats not what my story is going to be about.

-Goodnight

Her.

I am trying to be "That" girl. The one that knows what to say to make people understand. The one who says what is on her mind and people listen. The one who isn't me. I want to be her.

From where I'm standing I am utterly confused.

SINNER!!!

Forgive me father for sinned. I was a bitch. I hurt someone that I never wanted to. I admit it was for somewhat selfish reasons, but thats ok. I sinned to help someone, or so I thought, but sadly I did not succeed.

I have attempted to erase the past, but like all the other times I have tried I have failed. Do you think that I believe I am perfect. If so you are wrong. I am an imperfect person who is good at accepting her own mistakes. I know I can't be perfect but that doesn't stop me from trying. I don't do these things to show people how they can be better or more like me I do this so my life is easier (selfish I know) even if the cost of it is someone elses pain. I have made a mistake. I am an imperfect person. I am Lindsey and from where I'm standing mistakes have been made and I am bound to make many more.


(Warning: title is somewhat an inside joke, sorry!)

In Constant Prayer.

This crazy world we live in is falling apart and I am scared to admit that I can't save it. I am scared you won't help me do it. Please, let me know how its supposed to end. Until you know, I'm talking to you and I'll pray that you find out how its supposed to go soon.

Forget!

Forget who you are
Forget who you've been
All I need is this moment
I forgot who I was and it helped for a while
It made me remember the person I had planned on
So, forget who you've been and
Forget who you are

even in this moment
as pure as it is
you remember the past
you remember my past
So I'm forced to remember too
I stand alone in the future
I'm not absent in the past as long as this is true
I forgive you for remebering
But, I cant forgive you for forgeting me telling you to forget
Because that happened in the verse above
life seems short but then isn't everything short these days.




(not sure what this is but it just came out)

A Dulling Pencil

"Lie to me to my face please!" I don't know about you but this phrase has never come out of my mouth. I want people to tell me the truth. My friend lies and doesn't realize she is losing all the faith I once had in her. She'll never know because that is something I'll never tell her unless she specifically asks. If your reading this I hope you know that everytime you lie God and I keep a tally, and at some point we'll just stop because it will build up and you wont be worth our time any more. I write my tally with a pencil and when i make so many tallies that my pencil needs to be sharpened, I'm done. Just to let you know, my pencil is getting dull and honestly you didn't start out with a totally sharpened pencil. I know that was a long and somewhat boring analogy but thats how I feel at this point.

It's my friends birthday today and God I forgot how much I love doing fun things for others just to see them smile. I should do it more often, but like almost everyone else I know I get stuck in a rut that keeps me from it. I get selfish and dumb.

Sometimes I feel as though my words have no meaning because I say the same things over and over again hoping something will come of them. It reminds me of the definition of insanity "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." So apparently I'm insane.

From where I'm standing life seems almost clear...

suck on that world!

I am slowly working my way into a better mood. I had a bad day earlier this week (Monday) and another one though not as bad (Tuesday) and today was good. I am learning to let go of the stupid things I do and focus of the smart. Today, I won in tennis, was helpful in student leadership, and feel good about how I did on my AP Gov practice test...

from where I'm standing I am trying to make a difference and feel good about my life.

all for now...

Out of ideas

don't see the change, be the change...

God I should take my own advice!

"posty"

i am feeling very posty today but heres another one against my better judgement to stop writing.

being me is exhausting... not that I doubt being anyone else would take less energy... I think ive been silent for so long because I was insecure (still am) that I forgot how to speak. Truely...

phrase i hate the most rite now: "Just be yourself and it will be fine."
reason: the true me spends her time listening, observing, thinking, feeling alone, and silent and that isnt fine.

im scared that i will have something really imortant to say and i wont be able to do it not because i am scared but physically i forgot how.

recently talking to a friend i was asked how i was doing an my reply was this "oh u kno the normal feeling invisible, scared, happy, sad, angry, and depressed all wrapped up into a fantastic package i call myself"

how true.

almost done with this post i swear...

i just want to ask readers (if there are any) is being a fly on the wall always a good thing?

from where i'm standing posting seems to be the answer.

by the way posty is a word... and its mine!!!

here

forever me
forever here
forever holdin back my tears
I need a place where I can roam
but i cant do that unless i'm alone
and thats something i dont want to be
because life sucks when your forever me

not sure what this is but its a reflection of the day i had.

mute.

Its like I'm on TV and the viewer pressed the tiny button that says mute and makes my whole world change. Suddenly I can't speak but I can hear everyone else who is watching and waiting for me to say something. I feel as though I have lost my voice simply from a lack of using it. I spend time with myself and my thoughts. The company is good but honestly I want someone to understand or hear me. Its like i say something and no one hears except one person and then that person steals my idea and gets credit for it.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs but I am too self concious to do juts what I want. I want to say something and have people understand...

from where i'm standing life is awfully quiet.

A number...

The ever present question: Who are you?

When I am asked to answer this I freeze because I have no idea. I guess you can say I am a semi-upper class white female who likes sports. learning, and lying. I consider myself easy to get along with, but shy. I can add now that I am smart and got a 28 on my act!!! yea i just the letter and i thought i would share it with you... I am excited but I can tell the dissappointment in my dad's eyes. He was hoping for a 30 or better. I wanted it so bad! and what killed me was english and science... I got a 24 on english, 30 on math, 32 on reading, 26 on science, and 25 on writing. I am happy but not as happy as I should be which i should probably put in my description of myself. I expect too much making myself unhappy with things I should be happy with...

sorry I haven't written in a while I just haven't had much to say but now I do so expect more...

from where I'm standing I need to work on my description!

Not Sure...

You hear people all the time saying how even in a crowded room they feel all alone, but how often do you hear of someone who is literally in a room all by there self and feels like she is surrounded by people in the best possible way?

I am not necessarily saying that I feel that way but more that I want to hear the good things from people.

I haven't written in a while because I feel that all I do here is complain or write stupid stories that will never be finished. I guess I have been feeling good so I have not been writing. This blog however different it is it reminds me of God in that I feel that I only turn to him or it when I need something instead of going all the time.

I have been sick lately and it has sucked. It is not going to stop me from being happy. I will return to school tomorrow and never look back.

I am not really sure what any of this was about, but then again I am not sure about anything from where I'm standing.

Conundrum

Conundrum: If I be the person I want to be (which is what everyone is telling me to do) then I am not the person they want or expect. How can people be so blatantly hypocritical?

So from where I'm standing I am standing in a pile of shit some people like to call my life. I want to break out of my shell but it has been up so long that I can't break it on my own... I need help. If you think you know me and want to see the real me HELP ME! Be the person to break me out of my shell. I don't exactly know how you are going to do this but I will try my best to make it easier on you.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (electronic angst)


Yet another identity crisis... getting old yet? yea for me too.

Help.

My theory on the rhythm of night and day:

God gives us light (day) so we will know what it feels like to be in the light of him and has night to show us what our lives would be like without him. He keeps the light around long enough so that we know he loves us but takes it away so we don't take him for granted. He gives night just long enough to get us to turn to him and ask for the light again. This works good with day and night and faith in general...

I thought about God a lot today nad I decided that he wants me to be happy. He doesn't want me to sacrifice my happiness for others and for that I am grateful.

At youth group last night we were asked to plant a plant and on the side of the cup write the reason (in one word) why God has made us and put us on this earth. I wrote Help on the side of my cup because I think I am here to help who I can and recieve help from those who are here for that. I am not sure if that was what was meant by the somewhat assignment but that is what I got out of it.

from where I'm standing help is what I am here to give.

Youth Group.

Its Palm Sunday so tonight at youth group was different. I did realize that I can't share my faith with others like they want. Its not because I don't want to but more because my mind goes blank when I try to open that part of me to others. I will say this, God has given me the friends I have to learn how to do that and I am going to try.

I find faith somewhat hypocritical... not in the way that is bad but the way that is intriging. A youth pastor can stress having fun one week because you should enjoy and share your faith and scold it the next because church/faith is a serious time. weird or is it just me?

confused more than ever from where I'm standing.

pics

i think i m gonna go buy a new digital camera...

memories.

You know how they say as you live you forget the things that don't matter. Like I can't remember what I ate for breakfast the day before my 3rd birthday because it didn't matter. The sad thing is I can't remeber things that matter to me now, things I want to know. Like what if I end up marrying one of the guys I know now and I can't remeber how we met. What if someone I know dies and I can't remember what the last thing they said to me was. I am so scared of forgetting sometimes I forget to live and I just watch and soak it all in.

I remeber all the bad stuff. Like the time I prank phone called someone and it hurt their feelings, and when I hid as someone i didn't want to hang out with rang my doorbell.

I am scared that by forgetting the good things and remembering the bad I am losing who I am or in other words the good part of me.

I guess I am having another somewhat identity crisis.

help me!

feedback please!

Okay so I have an idea for a novel, but I'm not sure its good...

well i was reading another book and listening to music when the song "Taylor The Latte Boy" came on and I had an idea that the main character could live inside her head thinking htat these amazing things were happening. These things made her happy which was good because her life kind of sucked. Then when things get really bad (not sure how yet) she ends up being in her mind completly until of course she meets the one person who takes her out of her head and at first this makes her mad but then this guy makes life just as good it was in her head.

i need feedback because I dont want to start writing another book when I have three waiting to get more than a couple pages. If you think this is good let me know and ill start writing.

by the way i think this books overall mood will humorous because in her head funny things happen. It will also be tragic at parts when she is not in her head.

Power outage

"It blinked 12:00 12:00 12:00 in the panicked LED, like Cinderella's red flag reminder that fairytale endings are hard to come by."

that little excerpt from the book I haven't finished yet
19Minutes by Jodi Picoult

I just thought I would share it with you before I spend the next couple hours finishing it.

until next time...

quote

"Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart."

i just liked this quote so I thought I'd share it with you!

identity crisis/honest/spring

Semi-Fiction:

A single tear rolls down my cheek as I put my car in drive, back out of the spot I parked in less than an hour ago, and pull away. I had known who I was when I walked in the building, but as I drove away from it I had no idea. What had happened there that made me forget what I once knew? Why could I no longer make people laugh by doing something random? Why was I not the girl I was before? I hadn't physically changed or mentally either. It was more of a realization that around different people I am a different person. I think I change to fit what they need from me. I consider myself a somewhat giving person so I think thats what I was trying to do. Give them what they needed. I had sacrificed myself for someone else once again and this time it hurt. It hurt to know that I couldn't be me for them, that I wasn't what they needed, or that I wasn't what they wanted. It was almost as if they were attacking me personally.


ok now that I am done with how I felt today...

I am almost scared to tell her what I think. I think she is being stupid. She is hurting innocent, good people that she cares about. I want to think of myself of the kind of person who would never do this, but honestly I've never been in the situation so I can't say. I guess I would hope that one of my friends would tell me...

CONFUSED!!!

Spring is my new favorite season. It makes all the bad things go away! I was depressed and angry all winter and as soon as the sun shone on my face I felt happy. Thank you mother nature/the sun.

all for now.

Dancing on the inside

I want to kill this man but he turned around and ran.
I'll kill him with karate that I learned in Japan.
He wouldn't see my face.
I wouldn't leave a trace.
I wouldn't use a bullet cause a bullet's a disgrace.

Aw, mom, I never thought that I was a murdering man
But tonight I'm on my way.

There's this drawer that I know in a house up the road
That's full of things that are easily sold.
When they go out of town I could go and snoop around
And make myself rich off the things that I found.

Aw, mom, I never thought that I was a stealing man
But tonight I'm on my way.

I was sitting on the bleacher staring at the speaker,
Reading his lips but I could not understand.
So I opened up my ears and clearly I could hear
This detailed story all about a grain of sand.

Aw, mom, I always dreamt of being a good listener
So tonight I'm on my way.

There's this kid you gotta meet.
He lives across the street.
He's got spirit and heart.
We're ten years apart.
He is up for anything.
He can hang with anyone.
He still likes the things we used to think were fun.

Aw, mom, I never thought that I could have a friend
But tonight I'm on my way.

I'm in love with someone who's as pretty as a flower.
Her life give me power so I'm buyin' her a ring.
She makes hats with her hands.
She is such an artist.
I'm her biggest fan and I'm teaching her to sing

Aw, mom, I never thought that I could love no one
But tonight I'm on my way.

"On My Way"
Ben Kweller


My verse at this point in my life:

I was walking down the street
when I happened upon a beat.
The beat made me tap my feet
and I haven't stoped since.
I feel like I'm Prince.

Aw, Mom I never thought I'd be a dancin Girl
But tonight I'm on my way

new novel...

As I stare into his eyes I almost miss the waiter pouring an almost clear liquid filled with bubbles into the decorative glass, but then I remember nothing matters except his eyes. I only break from my stare when he moves to lift his glass and toast to of all things me, him, us. I agreeingly lift my glass and add God. He takes a drink sets his glass down and is silent the rest of the night. It could have been the best night in all my life, but he didn't know him, he didn't know my God. To quote an amazing song, "My God is an Awesome God," he would never know him unless I helped him, but then as I sat there in the deep silence he created I was having a heated debate with myself. Is it my responsibility to introduce the two most important people in my life or should they already know each other? Well eventually after the salad, meal, and half of the dessert I won the debate and spoke up about what I had said.

thats it for now.



God loves.

Lying...

"Maybe you should take some acting lessons because you need to learn how to lie better if you are going to do it so often."

I wish I could tell her that.

My friend lied tonight and thought she was good at it... how sad is that.

I think I need to stick with the friends I know will be faithful and true and dump the ones who have wronged me too many times. I am done, and this time I am going to dump them right!

She will never know...

"And learn to listen!" I politely called after her as she turned to walk away. She was a friend who didn't know what a friend was. I spent my time teaching her instead of having fun. I will never make that mistake again. She never learned to listen or learn. Maybe thats why she failed at life. She had plans to be something great, but because she never knew when to stop being as mature as a two year old she never amounted to anything. She spent her time being free, having fun, and disapointing her friends. She disapointed me and for that she cannot and will not be forgiven.

this is my prediction of what will someday happen to a former friend of mine... I know i use the word former friend a lot, but truely friends become former when they decide that they don't want to know you anymore.

Note: This was not written out of anger. It was writen out of reflection and remembrace. (My other friend spent the night venting)

She didn't know that she was losing two of the best friends she would ever have. She didn't realize that by not including us in her world she was blocking out some of the best advice she will never hear.

She will never know that she lost two friends that could have changed her life in a stupid lie.

Open?

One of the things I pride myself on is my open mindedness. I find that every person I meet is judgemental not in a normal way, but in the way that if I were ever to cross them they would judge me like I am always that person. Someone I know judges people and claims that he is open minded... Is that weird or is it just me?

Another thing I pride myself on is my ability to be above the influence... I have no problem with people who aren't but when others judge me because I don't I find that odd. I am doing the socially accepted thing, and the legal thing by not drinking and you are judging me. I am not scared I just wish to have my name be clean. Not only do these friends of mine judge me for not drinking they claim I judge them and label them as a drinker... First, they have no idea what is going on in my head... I think that it is the choice of the individual whether or not to drink. It is my personal choice not to drink until I reach an age where it is either legal or better accepted.

Be open minded people... accepting others makes it easier for them to accept you.

thats all for now...

Untitled.

“Breath, one foot in the other, keep breathing, just keep breathing, and no one will notice.” I said as I was trying to keep myself calm and hoping that if I was calm no one would see the urgency in my breathing, my awkward zigzags through the crowd, the sweat dripping off my brow, and all the extreme measures I was taking, to keep my self calm. I was making trying to avoid every person I had ever hurt…

this is the begining to the book i am planning on writing (at least the first draft of it) by the time I go to Brazil (June)...

comments, questions, suggestions, guesses... comment!

Lost.

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her...

courtesy of a facebook bumper sticker.

not done yet

Inspired by: This Boy by James Morrison...

I'm still here
But it hasn't been easy
I'm sure
That you had your reasons
I'm scared
Of all this emotion
For years I've been holding it down
For years I've been holding it down
This girl tries her best every day
But it's all gone to waste
Cause there's no one around
This girl she can draw she can paint
Likes to dance she can skate
Now she don't make a sound
We'll play in the park until it's too dark for us to see
Well we'll make our way home
With mud on our clothes
She won't be pleased
For years I've been holding it down
And I'd love to forgive and forget
So I'll try to put all this behind us
Just know that my arms are wide open
The older I get the more than I know
Well it's time to let this go


Fiction:

While making the last stroke on her first completed painting since the accident she decided that this wouldn't be her last painting like she had once thought. She had contemplated giving up, but in creating something she realized she was helping herself heal. The painting had a feeling of pain which she guesed came from him and a shallow sense of happiness which she guessed came from him as well. He was her happiness and the sad that came when he wasn't there. To think that just three months before this she was lying in a hospital bed crying from the pain was astonishing. And to think that a month after that she was still at the hospital lying on a hospital bed crying for him. He was her everything and he didn't know. It's not that she never told it's that he doesn't know now.

My calling...

God calls unlikely people to do unlikely things...

I am unlikely.

Places I've been.

Fiction:

I'm standing there with two roads in front of me. One goes east and one goes west. The one to the east takes me home and the one to the west takes me places I have never been before. I want to explore the world but can't get past the thought of my friends and family not there with me. It's like God is asking me the ever present question one last time: Go home and be happy or leave and be you? It's my choice, but at the same time I feel like I have no say in the matter. I've been east so many times that I find myself bored not with the company, but more with the life there. I have never been West. My question is places I've been or places I could go?

...

From where I'm standing life is a mess that I slowly have to attempt to clean up. I have made a mess of myself and life is getting messier faster than I can clean up...

Last words: Don't expect me to make the same mistake again.

Angst!

I feel like I'm a character on Cheers...It's like your in a place where everyone knows your name but instead of having a good time you realize everyone knows your name but doesn't want you there.

I wanted so badly to walk up to them and tell them that I needed a shoulder to cry on. But I was so scared that either they would say no or they would ask why and I would have to tell them it was because of them. I feel selfish and dramatic, but in my head all of this is happening...

It's like when you have a dream and one of your friends does something mean so you wake up and are mad at them, but in my case it wasn't a dream but it was a reality that they didn't realize was going on.

I was there just sitting realizing that none of them were my friends anymore and I hadn't even realized it until now because I had to call them... Four of my best friends were there and none of them called me. None of them asked what I was doing, nothing. I had to text one of them. If I had texted any other one of them they would have either not answered, lied, or said that I should come. I didn't want to do any of those things. I wanted to stay at home knowing I was invited but saying no. I wanted to hurt them I wanted them to know how I felt. I wanted so badly to break down crying, have them ask why, and then tell them its because they were all bitches. The problem with that plan is that they would think I was over reacting (which i probably am) but at the same time I wasn't because the point was to show them how I feel and that is exactly how I feel. I want to be that angry kid who hates the world, but I can't. My parents always told me to be nice to everyone even if you don't like them. I wish I was a meaner person! I wanted to tell them to read my blog and they would know how they have made me feel, but I honestly don't think this would do my feelings justice. I am so much more angry not only at them but at my self for being able to be hurt like that. I have always kept my feelings inside and as soon as I feel comfortable enough to be a true friend I have been replaced by a feeling sharing bitch. It's not just that she is a bitch its that she pretends she isn't and everyone excepts that.

I think being replaced hurts more than just being kicked out. Its kind of like they are saying someone is better than you. I am sick and tired of being nice!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

angst!

From where I'm standing I'm done.

Suprise!

Its like you walk into a room of all your "friends" and they have thrown you a suprise party! Except instead of being a good suprise its the kind of suprise that makes you want to literally stand up thrown your hands in the air and say FUCK you too!

From where I'm standing its looks like all of the people I thought were my friends decided that everytime they hang out from now on they were going to just not call me. I spent the night fighting against myself. I literally at one point had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't get up and leave. My heart wanted to stand up and walk home but my mind said no, and that they don't know whats going on in my head. I am worn out from fighting myself... I think its time to find a different opponent. Perhaps one of my former friends will do...

What I want to see.

"Be who you want to be not what others want to see."

recently I came across this quote on a bumper sticker on facebook. I felt a complete connection to this. It seemed to describe the life I have been living. When I act out or say something funny am I just doing what others want to see?

Do I try to be funny so others will like me or am I that way because I am? Do I try to be understanding because thats what others need or am I really understanding? Who am I really. I think I am having an identity crisis.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I can't figure out who I am and that both scares me and excites me in the worst possible way. So not knowing who I am has not been great. I am scared that I will never know, that I will be forever scared of what I could be, and that I will never be confident enough to stand up for the person I want to become. I am excited because I can be whom ever I want, and because I can't be whom ever I want. Scared and excited I walk alone because I try to be myself and not do what others want and then I am considered stubbern and spoiled.

From where I'm standing life has become what others want to see instead of what I want to see.

Forgetting the past

Forget what you know.
Forget what I told you.
Things change, but people change fast.
People change fast , but you changed faster.
I couldn't keep up.
You left me there waiting.
Waiting, like the old man on the corner
who waits for the bus because his children said
he needed to stop.
I look to the horizon
for you. I hope to see walking torward the shore.
I know if you were to come it wouldn't be that way,
but the thought of you walking on water
does nothing but make me say
You could have if you wanted
You never knew but I thought of you
You were able to make me fall to the ground with the sound of your voice
able to know all there is to know
able to do what others couldn't
able to be everywhere and no where at all
able to be you and you alone
and able to love me like no one else could
I blocked everyone but you out
I loved you
but things change, and people change fast
People change fast, but I changed faster.
I forgot what you told me
I forgot what I knew.

Only Fooling Myself

From where I'm standing I feel like I'm in a dinosaur movie. You know the one where all the slow dinosaurs get left behind because well they are slow but the one dinosaur who comes back to get them is the only one who is from somewhere else. He helps them and they end up better off then the rest of the pack because they find water, get to the "promise land" before anyone else (because they find a new way instead of going the way that they used to go which is now blocked off), and then that one dinosaur goes back to tell the others and helps them escape from the T-Rex. Yea so I've seen this movie a couple times. I feel like I am one of the dinosaurs that has been left behind because I'm different. I feel like I'm back here waiting to see one person step out of the group and come back and save me.

I like to pretend that
One day I’ll turn around - I’ll see your hand reach out
I’m only fooling myself, oh, - But maybe when you smile
It means you’d stay awhile - Just maybe you’d save me now
"Only Fooling Myself"
-Kate Voegele



I feel like everyone around me is selfish and acts completely on impulse. Am I the only one who thinks about what she's doing? Am I the only one who cares about others? I am starting to give up on caring for others because I see no point. I rarly help anyone and usually if I help one person it makes someone else suffer and should it really be my choice to make someone suffer? Every action has an equal and opposite reaction... So I make the first action by helping and the equal and opposite reaction is my fault. It doesn't seem fair.


On one side I want readers and on the other I want this to be a secret from the world I live in. I can't decide whether to tell anyone about this... Things look crazy and messed up from where I'm standing...

Defiant and Such...

I am lost. It's like some on took a cosmic shit and it is being flushed down the toilet right around me. AKA there is shit happening everywhere. Everywhere I look someone needs something, someone is mad at someone, someone wants someone else, someone is unhappy. I don't have time to think about my own shit these days. I need someone to care what happens to me. I think I am slowly switching groups of friends whcih is sad because these were some of the best friends I have ever had. They were there. They were truly the first friends I ever had and now I am leaving them. When I think in depth of mhy we are drifting apart I feel like I am not leaving them at all, they are leaving me. They found someone who doesn't need their shoulder right now and apparently that is appealing. I need a shoulder, but because I need it they pull away instead of being the friend I like to think I was to them. I need to get away from this situation. I know people always say they need to get away and when they do the same thing happens. I will be different I am sure of it. If I leave I will be happier. I can start being the person I want to be instead of the person people expect me to be. What sucks about people expecting you to be a certain way, is that when you change like all people do they can't handle it. They want you to be the same and they demand it out of you. I have had to pretend to be the person I used to be because the person I am now either isn't good enough or just isn't what they need or want. I am sick of pleasing other people. I want to please myself. I have told myself this so many times but I really want it this time. I am going to be the person I want to be! I am going to be thoughtful, kind, sarcastic, smart, OCD, deep, and happy. This is who I am and this is who I want to be! It seems the pressure I feel from my friends to be the old me has stuck me in this place with the unhappiness of the old me, the insecurity of the old me, the smarts of the new me, the OCD of the new me, the meaness of the old me, and the sarcasticness of the new me. This all together is a sucky person that is worse than any me I have been. I am me and no one can stop me!

From where I'm standing life is gonna look a lot different.

Happiness

From where I'm standing happiness is a mind set. Though sometimes you don't want to blame your unhappiness on your self, it is your choice to be happy. The problem with happiness is that to get the mind set of being happy it takes a lot of work and a little work. Happiness has other problems as well including the fact that it usually comes at the cost of someone else's happiness. Another is that in most cases it doesn't last long. I had a good day if you couldn't tell. There was no real reason, it was just good! I guess luck was on my side today. Happy almost Friday!

From where I'm standing I say be happy, not because someone says you should, or because something good happens, but because you can because it is your choice to be happy!

Lying through my teeth

From where I'm standing I'm sick of being an outsider. Do you ever want to just feel like you belong? Shouldn't when you find that group, of people you feel like you belong with, stick with them? Why is life so much like a roller coaster. I spend my days inside my head. I think about what has happened in the past, what is happening now, and what I think and/or want to happen in the future. I find that the past seems to fluctuate between good and bad, the present always seems bad, and the future depends on if I'm thinking of what I want to happen or what I think will happen. I wan to remain close to my friends, but I hnestly don't think that will happen. I have wasted so much time thinking about whether its worth the effort... Should I make my relationship with them better or should I let it keep going the way it has been. It's not that I feel like they don't like me or even that I don't like them its more about timing, priorities, communication, and the relationship we already have. I have never been the type of person to let others in on what I am feeling or thinking. I used to think it was a way of protecting myself, but more and more I think it is a way to ruin myself. By holding everything in I get in weird moods that make me angry, emotional, happy, or unhappy. I find myself in the mood of angry at this moment. I want so badly to feel like I belong in a group or with someone, but because of the wall I have built I can't reach out to anyone when I need it. I don't trust myself let alone anyone else. I am a closed book. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that I will change or that I even could. I have tried to be more open, but find that when trying I lose who I am and thats not worth it. I am not sure what to do at this point...

lyrics describing how I feel about my friends:

here's to you
and all your loving thoughts
here's to you
you're such a fuckin' bore
here's to youf
or bringing me down
here's to you
...
here's to you (here's to you)
for bringing me down
here's to you (here's to you)
i'm glad you're gone now
ain't it true
what comes around goes around
here's to you (what comes around goes around)
here's to you (i'm glad you're gone now)
ain't it truewhat comes around goes around
here's to all the fucked up things you do

"Here's to You"
Diffuser


From where I'm standing I'm confused!

From Where I'm Standing

From where I'm standing
you're the quiet side of the road
you're looking so lonely
and I can't stop looking at you
your head is hanging
trying to beat those goodbye blues
I bet you'll be fine
I bet you'll be fine
I guess it's not the way you always planned it
looks like you're heading for a crash landing
that's just the way it looks
from where I'm standing
from where I'm standing
from where I'm standing
I think I caught your eye
are you looking at me cause
I swear I saw you smile
and I'm coming over
gonna take things off your mind
and I bet you'll be fine
and I bet you'll be fine

"From Where I'm Standing"
Schuyler Fisk


This song is the inspiration for my writing this blog. I want to keep an account of the world from where I'm standing. My opinions, feelings, and beliefs about friends, family, politics, love, happiness, school, well pretty much life in general. Sometimes things will get ugly. I might bash my family, my friends, political figures, celebrities, or someone you love. And other times things will be beautiful whether it is poetry, song lyrics, stories, or just a good day. I have no idea how often I will write but when I do know that it will be special, if not to you thne to me. I appreciate commments, but I honstly don't expect them. If you disagree with me, know that I realize that I am not always right and not everyone is feeling this way or I might be totally out of line but this is me.