time

i guess things have been ok but i still find myself not confident enough to be myself and do what i want when I am around people who judge. I guess I just want to be me and have everyone be ok with that but i guess shit happens and I need to realize that being myself comes ay a cost... that cost being not everyone liking that person I am. I guess I should figure out who I am before I try and be that person and fall on my face... I am going out of town for a couple days and when I come back someone new is going to be here... maybe I can be myself around him...

from where I'm standing I think I'll use this time to find who I am.

one moment at a time...

fighting the numbness I know so well is an everyday fight. I find that good music, friends, family, and God make the fight worth while. I want to be able to feel the groove of good music, the happiness of being around friends, and the love that both my family and God spill over me. I have made a decision to live my life with my fists up against that numbness that has found a home in my soul. I want to wake up and feel something happening within me. I want to be the person I want and the person God wants me to be. I think I am going to change even if it hurts something has to happen because the way I am living is not what anyone wants (except maybe the devil). I went to church today... for the first time inn over two years. Like I have been to youth group, and I've been to Sunday school when I need to be, but actual service its been a long while. Maybe if I change a little at a time soon everyone will forget that I was ever at this point where I spent the night crying myself to sleep. I want to be the perosn who no one knows what your thinking except they know its something good, I want to be mysterious to a point where I am still approachable.

From where I'm sanding looks like I have to start taking things day by day...

eternal numbness?

I feel numb again but no suprise there... really did anyone think it would last. you change but then unless you are completely somewhere new the people you know pull you back into the person you were... again I cry for help even though it still doesnt feel right. And again no one is listening. I guess i could try harder but at the end of the day I still have over a year left before a change of scenery... "Be the change you wish to see in the world" how can I when the world refuses to change even after I do. I am going back to the way I was and only you can help me.

scared

Things are changing whether you want to believe it or not... Sometimes change is good which you can always hope for but a lot of the time it turns out bad... and thats when you turn to the people you love and say "Help" this is me saying help. I am scared that I can't do this by myself and also that if I ask for help i will end up hating those who help and they will hate me...

From where I'm standing help doesn't seem like the right word but even with a dictionary at my side its the only one that fits...