Not Sure...

You hear people all the time saying how even in a crowded room they feel all alone, but how often do you hear of someone who is literally in a room all by there self and feels like she is surrounded by people in the best possible way?

I am not necessarily saying that I feel that way but more that I want to hear the good things from people.

I haven't written in a while because I feel that all I do here is complain or write stupid stories that will never be finished. I guess I have been feeling good so I have not been writing. This blog however different it is it reminds me of God in that I feel that I only turn to him or it when I need something instead of going all the time.

I have been sick lately and it has sucked. It is not going to stop me from being happy. I will return to school tomorrow and never look back.

I am not really sure what any of this was about, but then again I am not sure about anything from where I'm standing.

Conundrum

Conundrum: If I be the person I want to be (which is what everyone is telling me to do) then I am not the person they want or expect. How can people be so blatantly hypocritical?

So from where I'm standing I am standing in a pile of shit some people like to call my life. I want to break out of my shell but it has been up so long that I can't break it on my own... I need help. If you think you know me and want to see the real me HELP ME! Be the person to break me out of my shell. I don't exactly know how you are going to do this but I will try my best to make it easier on you.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! (electronic angst)


Yet another identity crisis... getting old yet? yea for me too.

Help.

My theory on the rhythm of night and day:

God gives us light (day) so we will know what it feels like to be in the light of him and has night to show us what our lives would be like without him. He keeps the light around long enough so that we know he loves us but takes it away so we don't take him for granted. He gives night just long enough to get us to turn to him and ask for the light again. This works good with day and night and faith in general...

I thought about God a lot today nad I decided that he wants me to be happy. He doesn't want me to sacrifice my happiness for others and for that I am grateful.

At youth group last night we were asked to plant a plant and on the side of the cup write the reason (in one word) why God has made us and put us on this earth. I wrote Help on the side of my cup because I think I am here to help who I can and recieve help from those who are here for that. I am not sure if that was what was meant by the somewhat assignment but that is what I got out of it.

from where I'm standing help is what I am here to give.

Youth Group.

Its Palm Sunday so tonight at youth group was different. I did realize that I can't share my faith with others like they want. Its not because I don't want to but more because my mind goes blank when I try to open that part of me to others. I will say this, God has given me the friends I have to learn how to do that and I am going to try.

I find faith somewhat hypocritical... not in the way that is bad but the way that is intriging. A youth pastor can stress having fun one week because you should enjoy and share your faith and scold it the next because church/faith is a serious time. weird or is it just me?

confused more than ever from where I'm standing.

pics

i think i m gonna go buy a new digital camera...

memories.

You know how they say as you live you forget the things that don't matter. Like I can't remember what I ate for breakfast the day before my 3rd birthday because it didn't matter. The sad thing is I can't remeber things that matter to me now, things I want to know. Like what if I end up marrying one of the guys I know now and I can't remeber how we met. What if someone I know dies and I can't remember what the last thing they said to me was. I am so scared of forgetting sometimes I forget to live and I just watch and soak it all in.

I remeber all the bad stuff. Like the time I prank phone called someone and it hurt their feelings, and when I hid as someone i didn't want to hang out with rang my doorbell.

I am scared that by forgetting the good things and remembering the bad I am losing who I am or in other words the good part of me.

I guess I am having another somewhat identity crisis.

help me!

feedback please!

Okay so I have an idea for a novel, but I'm not sure its good...

well i was reading another book and listening to music when the song "Taylor The Latte Boy" came on and I had an idea that the main character could live inside her head thinking htat these amazing things were happening. These things made her happy which was good because her life kind of sucked. Then when things get really bad (not sure how yet) she ends up being in her mind completly until of course she meets the one person who takes her out of her head and at first this makes her mad but then this guy makes life just as good it was in her head.

i need feedback because I dont want to start writing another book when I have three waiting to get more than a couple pages. If you think this is good let me know and ill start writing.

by the way i think this books overall mood will humorous because in her head funny things happen. It will also be tragic at parts when she is not in her head.

Power outage

"It blinked 12:00 12:00 12:00 in the panicked LED, like Cinderella's red flag reminder that fairytale endings are hard to come by."

that little excerpt from the book I haven't finished yet
19Minutes by Jodi Picoult

I just thought I would share it with you before I spend the next couple hours finishing it.

until next time...

quote

"Sometimes you have to break the rules to free the heart."

i just liked this quote so I thought I'd share it with you!

identity crisis/honest/spring

Semi-Fiction:

A single tear rolls down my cheek as I put my car in drive, back out of the spot I parked in less than an hour ago, and pull away. I had known who I was when I walked in the building, but as I drove away from it I had no idea. What had happened there that made me forget what I once knew? Why could I no longer make people laugh by doing something random? Why was I not the girl I was before? I hadn't physically changed or mentally either. It was more of a realization that around different people I am a different person. I think I change to fit what they need from me. I consider myself a somewhat giving person so I think thats what I was trying to do. Give them what they needed. I had sacrificed myself for someone else once again and this time it hurt. It hurt to know that I couldn't be me for them, that I wasn't what they needed, or that I wasn't what they wanted. It was almost as if they were attacking me personally.


ok now that I am done with how I felt today...

I am almost scared to tell her what I think. I think she is being stupid. She is hurting innocent, good people that she cares about. I want to think of myself of the kind of person who would never do this, but honestly I've never been in the situation so I can't say. I guess I would hope that one of my friends would tell me...

CONFUSED!!!

Spring is my new favorite season. It makes all the bad things go away! I was depressed and angry all winter and as soon as the sun shone on my face I felt happy. Thank you mother nature/the sun.

all for now.

Dancing on the inside

I want to kill this man but he turned around and ran.
I'll kill him with karate that I learned in Japan.
He wouldn't see my face.
I wouldn't leave a trace.
I wouldn't use a bullet cause a bullet's a disgrace.

Aw, mom, I never thought that I was a murdering man
But tonight I'm on my way.

There's this drawer that I know in a house up the road
That's full of things that are easily sold.
When they go out of town I could go and snoop around
And make myself rich off the things that I found.

Aw, mom, I never thought that I was a stealing man
But tonight I'm on my way.

I was sitting on the bleacher staring at the speaker,
Reading his lips but I could not understand.
So I opened up my ears and clearly I could hear
This detailed story all about a grain of sand.

Aw, mom, I always dreamt of being a good listener
So tonight I'm on my way.

There's this kid you gotta meet.
He lives across the street.
He's got spirit and heart.
We're ten years apart.
He is up for anything.
He can hang with anyone.
He still likes the things we used to think were fun.

Aw, mom, I never thought that I could have a friend
But tonight I'm on my way.

I'm in love with someone who's as pretty as a flower.
Her life give me power so I'm buyin' her a ring.
She makes hats with her hands.
She is such an artist.
I'm her biggest fan and I'm teaching her to sing

Aw, mom, I never thought that I could love no one
But tonight I'm on my way.

"On My Way"
Ben Kweller


My verse at this point in my life:

I was walking down the street
when I happened upon a beat.
The beat made me tap my feet
and I haven't stoped since.
I feel like I'm Prince.

Aw, Mom I never thought I'd be a dancin Girl
But tonight I'm on my way

new novel...

As I stare into his eyes I almost miss the waiter pouring an almost clear liquid filled with bubbles into the decorative glass, but then I remember nothing matters except his eyes. I only break from my stare when he moves to lift his glass and toast to of all things me, him, us. I agreeingly lift my glass and add God. He takes a drink sets his glass down and is silent the rest of the night. It could have been the best night in all my life, but he didn't know him, he didn't know my God. To quote an amazing song, "My God is an Awesome God," he would never know him unless I helped him, but then as I sat there in the deep silence he created I was having a heated debate with myself. Is it my responsibility to introduce the two most important people in my life or should they already know each other? Well eventually after the salad, meal, and half of the dessert I won the debate and spoke up about what I had said.

thats it for now.



God loves.

Lying...

"Maybe you should take some acting lessons because you need to learn how to lie better if you are going to do it so often."

I wish I could tell her that.

My friend lied tonight and thought she was good at it... how sad is that.

I think I need to stick with the friends I know will be faithful and true and dump the ones who have wronged me too many times. I am done, and this time I am going to dump them right!

She will never know...

"And learn to listen!" I politely called after her as she turned to walk away. She was a friend who didn't know what a friend was. I spent my time teaching her instead of having fun. I will never make that mistake again. She never learned to listen or learn. Maybe thats why she failed at life. She had plans to be something great, but because she never knew when to stop being as mature as a two year old she never amounted to anything. She spent her time being free, having fun, and disapointing her friends. She disapointed me and for that she cannot and will not be forgiven.

this is my prediction of what will someday happen to a former friend of mine... I know i use the word former friend a lot, but truely friends become former when they decide that they don't want to know you anymore.

Note: This was not written out of anger. It was writen out of reflection and remembrace. (My other friend spent the night venting)

She didn't know that she was losing two of the best friends she would ever have. She didn't realize that by not including us in her world she was blocking out some of the best advice she will never hear.

She will never know that she lost two friends that could have changed her life in a stupid lie.

Open?

One of the things I pride myself on is my open mindedness. I find that every person I meet is judgemental not in a normal way, but in the way that if I were ever to cross them they would judge me like I am always that person. Someone I know judges people and claims that he is open minded... Is that weird or is it just me?

Another thing I pride myself on is my ability to be above the influence... I have no problem with people who aren't but when others judge me because I don't I find that odd. I am doing the socially accepted thing, and the legal thing by not drinking and you are judging me. I am not scared I just wish to have my name be clean. Not only do these friends of mine judge me for not drinking they claim I judge them and label them as a drinker... First, they have no idea what is going on in my head... I think that it is the choice of the individual whether or not to drink. It is my personal choice not to drink until I reach an age where it is either legal or better accepted.

Be open minded people... accepting others makes it easier for them to accept you.

thats all for now...

Untitled.

“Breath, one foot in the other, keep breathing, just keep breathing, and no one will notice.” I said as I was trying to keep myself calm and hoping that if I was calm no one would see the urgency in my breathing, my awkward zigzags through the crowd, the sweat dripping off my brow, and all the extreme measures I was taking, to keep my self calm. I was making trying to avoid every person I had ever hurt…

this is the begining to the book i am planning on writing (at least the first draft of it) by the time I go to Brazil (June)...

comments, questions, suggestions, guesses... comment!

Lost.

A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her...

courtesy of a facebook bumper sticker.

not done yet

Inspired by: This Boy by James Morrison...

I'm still here
But it hasn't been easy
I'm sure
That you had your reasons
I'm scared
Of all this emotion
For years I've been holding it down
For years I've been holding it down
This girl tries her best every day
But it's all gone to waste
Cause there's no one around
This girl she can draw she can paint
Likes to dance she can skate
Now she don't make a sound
We'll play in the park until it's too dark for us to see
Well we'll make our way home
With mud on our clothes
She won't be pleased
For years I've been holding it down
And I'd love to forgive and forget
So I'll try to put all this behind us
Just know that my arms are wide open
The older I get the more than I know
Well it's time to let this go


Fiction:

While making the last stroke on her first completed painting since the accident she decided that this wouldn't be her last painting like she had once thought. She had contemplated giving up, but in creating something she realized she was helping herself heal. The painting had a feeling of pain which she guesed came from him and a shallow sense of happiness which she guessed came from him as well. He was her happiness and the sad that came when he wasn't there. To think that just three months before this she was lying in a hospital bed crying from the pain was astonishing. And to think that a month after that she was still at the hospital lying on a hospital bed crying for him. He was her everything and he didn't know. It's not that she never told it's that he doesn't know now.

My calling...

God calls unlikely people to do unlikely things...

I am unlikely.

Places I've been.

Fiction:

I'm standing there with two roads in front of me. One goes east and one goes west. The one to the east takes me home and the one to the west takes me places I have never been before. I want to explore the world but can't get past the thought of my friends and family not there with me. It's like God is asking me the ever present question one last time: Go home and be happy or leave and be you? It's my choice, but at the same time I feel like I have no say in the matter. I've been east so many times that I find myself bored not with the company, but more with the life there. I have never been West. My question is places I've been or places I could go?

...

From where I'm standing life is a mess that I slowly have to attempt to clean up. I have made a mess of myself and life is getting messier faster than I can clean up...

Last words: Don't expect me to make the same mistake again.

Angst!

I feel like I'm a character on Cheers...It's like your in a place where everyone knows your name but instead of having a good time you realize everyone knows your name but doesn't want you there.

I wanted so badly to walk up to them and tell them that I needed a shoulder to cry on. But I was so scared that either they would say no or they would ask why and I would have to tell them it was because of them. I feel selfish and dramatic, but in my head all of this is happening...

It's like when you have a dream and one of your friends does something mean so you wake up and are mad at them, but in my case it wasn't a dream but it was a reality that they didn't realize was going on.

I was there just sitting realizing that none of them were my friends anymore and I hadn't even realized it until now because I had to call them... Four of my best friends were there and none of them called me. None of them asked what I was doing, nothing. I had to text one of them. If I had texted any other one of them they would have either not answered, lied, or said that I should come. I didn't want to do any of those things. I wanted to stay at home knowing I was invited but saying no. I wanted to hurt them I wanted them to know how I felt. I wanted so badly to break down crying, have them ask why, and then tell them its because they were all bitches. The problem with that plan is that they would think I was over reacting (which i probably am) but at the same time I wasn't because the point was to show them how I feel and that is exactly how I feel. I want to be that angry kid who hates the world, but I can't. My parents always told me to be nice to everyone even if you don't like them. I wish I was a meaner person! I wanted to tell them to read my blog and they would know how they have made me feel, but I honestly don't think this would do my feelings justice. I am so much more angry not only at them but at my self for being able to be hurt like that. I have always kept my feelings inside and as soon as I feel comfortable enough to be a true friend I have been replaced by a feeling sharing bitch. It's not just that she is a bitch its that she pretends she isn't and everyone excepts that.

I think being replaced hurts more than just being kicked out. Its kind of like they are saying someone is better than you. I am sick and tired of being nice!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

angst!

From where I'm standing I'm done.

Suprise!

Its like you walk into a room of all your "friends" and they have thrown you a suprise party! Except instead of being a good suprise its the kind of suprise that makes you want to literally stand up thrown your hands in the air and say FUCK you too!

From where I'm standing its looks like all of the people I thought were my friends decided that everytime they hang out from now on they were going to just not call me. I spent the night fighting against myself. I literally at one point had to sit on my hands so I wouldn't get up and leave. My heart wanted to stand up and walk home but my mind said no, and that they don't know whats going on in my head. I am worn out from fighting myself... I think its time to find a different opponent. Perhaps one of my former friends will do...

What I want to see.

"Be who you want to be not what others want to see."

recently I came across this quote on a bumper sticker on facebook. I felt a complete connection to this. It seemed to describe the life I have been living. When I act out or say something funny am I just doing what others want to see?

Do I try to be funny so others will like me or am I that way because I am? Do I try to be understanding because thats what others need or am I really understanding? Who am I really. I think I am having an identity crisis.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I can't figure out who I am and that both scares me and excites me in the worst possible way. So not knowing who I am has not been great. I am scared that I will never know, that I will be forever scared of what I could be, and that I will never be confident enough to stand up for the person I want to become. I am excited because I can be whom ever I want, and because I can't be whom ever I want. Scared and excited I walk alone because I try to be myself and not do what others want and then I am considered stubbern and spoiled.

From where I'm standing life has become what others want to see instead of what I want to see.