Changed!

So its been a while but I am back and I feel different. I was on a mission trip in Mexico and I think it may have changed my life... I can't really explain it but I think that life is going to be good from now on. Just thought I would let you in on what has been happening.


From where I'm standing things just got a lot better and its for real this time!

Only God Knows what this was...

so I decided to make myself a cd to make me feel better... and it is taking a long time to burn... I'm bored and sadly this is all I could think of doing...

I hate regreting things... but I make myself do it all the time... I regret not being selfish on my trip to Brazil, I regret not telling him how I feel, I regret not being myself around some people, I regret so much and yet here I am sitting alone at my computer tonight regreting not going to that bonfire becuase I was "tired" I regret it and I knew I would but there I was text my friend saying that I had to pack/clean so my parents wouldnt let me leave the house.

my cd still has 10 min so i have to fill that time in some way... lets see. I guess I could practice my improv writing: Once upon a time there was a girl, but unlike every other fairy tale this girl had the perfect life but was tormented on the inside. She was haunted by an alter ego that just happened to be named Andrea. The girl faught with Andrea nonstop, trying to find a way to compromise with her. The girl was about to be married to her "prince Charming", Alex.
The girl's name was bethany. Andrea had always told her that her name started with a B because she was supposed to come second to Andrea which started with an A. Long story short Andrea realized the only reason B came second is because that is how she was taught the alphabet. Unlike numbers the alphabet has a set number of letters. Numbers can keep going but letters can only go so far, but they can go in a circle. B could be first and A could be the very last it all depended on perspective...

wow that was just about the dumbest thing I have ever written but I am not erasing it because I am tired and I'll probably think its funny tomorrow...

so about 1 minute left until my cd is done so I guess I'll just say a really long goodbye.

So long farewell to you my friend, from where I'm standing I need to work on my improv writing...

until next time good buddy!

I need to decide!

as long as I'm me and everyone else is everyone else I can't be who I want to be, I have to be the me that already exists. I guess I can try but how do you start something like that? do you start with a single leap into the unknown or do you take small steps to get there.

Do I tell the guy I like him now or do I wait and get to know him (something I don't usually do and am not good at) and then tell him?

Do I just decide to be happy or do I take it one happy moment at a time?

Do I learn to flirt and then put it into practice or do I blindly flirt hoping its right?

Do I change who I am now or wait until college when I can start over with a blank slate?

From where I'm standing I guess I'm still confused...

Push Me!

QUESTION: Can anyone tell that I am lying through my teeth?

I feel alone and scared... I need someone to tell me that I need to stop being so fucking stupid and tell them how I feel. If I deny you push me, make me tell you exactly what you want to know b/c the truth is I want to tell you I just can't because like all my other problems in life this one starts with the fact that I have no idea what I am doing. I am a self sabataging (sp?) bitch who takes her pain out on others and is pretty much socially retarded. I keep so much shit in my head I lose my real feelings. I want to break out of my shell but I am so fucking self conscious that I wont do anything. HELP ME! I am slipping into the dark place again and the only one who can save me is you... whoever you are.

from where I'm standing I am in need of serious help!

frustration...

the last few posts have been short mostly because I am in that dark place again... well kinda... I am almost there. I have been working on reversing that but the only thing that makes me happy is sugar, but sugar doesnt really fit in when I am trying to lose weight... I am in a pickle... I want sugar to make me happy but sugar makes me fat which in return makes me unhappy, so i guess the choice is either depressed now or happy now/fat/depressed later... the choice may seem obvious but from where I'm standing happiness seems worth any price. I think I'll go with choice two for now but then again that is just how I feel at this moment.

i need to get creative again but I cant seem to do that while I am in summer mode... I almost want school to start because when my brain is working regularly I get the creative juices flowing. I need an outlet...

I have tried to write but because I am so out of practice that doesnt work>
I have tried physical excersize but i am too out of shape to do anything without feeling selfconcious (sp?).
I thought about midnight walks but the bugs are so bad this time of year I would come back as one swollen bug bite.

I am out of ideas... any suggestions?

lost

Lost in a life that doesn't seem like its mine I walk alone to be forever alone...

I feel better in pain

ever feel numb? emotionally I feel nothing...

liar liar pants on fire!

I am going back to what I know is true... people lie. I lie so much people have come to expect it. This scares me because at some point I began to expect myself to lie even when i didnt have to say anything. I want to go back to those times when I was known for being honest, where people could trust me and most importantly I could trust myself. I am not going to make one of those stupid promises not to lie but I am going to make a pact to think before I speak... and ask myself could I say something truthful instead or just stay quiet.

from where I'm standing life got a whole lot less lie-filled.

waiting

in the back of a secret compartment that is in the back of the part of my mind that no one sees but me I admit to myself that I am scared of feeling real emotions. I admit that I like him but I force myself not to feel anything for him or take any action because if I do then I have to face my fear and that is just something I am not ready for. So until I can face my fears I am stuck in a spot that makes me feel nothing. I am alone in this comparment in my mind. Sometimes I listen to music there or read because it helps me pass the time while I wait to grow up enough to muster up the courage and face what I should and feel something, anything. Because if I feel anything then I can feel love for him, or whoever he is at when I get to that point in my life.

from where I'm standing I'm not sure if any of that made sense... but then again its the summer... so should I have to make sense?

Brazil!!!

I'm home from the best trip of my life... mostly because its the only real trip i've been on... I was in Brazil for 15 days!

We were in Manaus, Salvador, oro Preto (sp?), and Rio.

Like always, I wanted this trip to change who I was and unfortunately i made into to the person I was before I started this blog of self discovery... I was a people pleasing, shy girl who didn't expirence the Brazil she wanted. I could have done it had I stayed true to myself but of couse I got lost in the hustle and forgot who I was. Never the less it was AMAZING!!!

from where I'm standing I need to either stop trying to change and be the person I want or I need to let myself go and be a person I hate... you probably know my answer but unfortunatly this might take a while because its summer and no one changes un the summer in my town... or do they?