Defiant and Such...

I am lost. It's like some on took a cosmic shit and it is being flushed down the toilet right around me. AKA there is shit happening everywhere. Everywhere I look someone needs something, someone is mad at someone, someone wants someone else, someone is unhappy. I don't have time to think about my own shit these days. I need someone to care what happens to me. I think I am slowly switching groups of friends whcih is sad because these were some of the best friends I have ever had. They were there. They were truly the first friends I ever had and now I am leaving them. When I think in depth of mhy we are drifting apart I feel like I am not leaving them at all, they are leaving me. They found someone who doesn't need their shoulder right now and apparently that is appealing. I need a shoulder, but because I need it they pull away instead of being the friend I like to think I was to them. I need to get away from this situation. I know people always say they need to get away and when they do the same thing happens. I will be different I am sure of it. If I leave I will be happier. I can start being the person I want to be instead of the person people expect me to be. What sucks about people expecting you to be a certain way, is that when you change like all people do they can't handle it. They want you to be the same and they demand it out of you. I have had to pretend to be the person I used to be because the person I am now either isn't good enough or just isn't what they need or want. I am sick of pleasing other people. I want to please myself. I have told myself this so many times but I really want it this time. I am going to be the person I want to be! I am going to be thoughtful, kind, sarcastic, smart, OCD, deep, and happy. This is who I am and this is who I want to be! It seems the pressure I feel from my friends to be the old me has stuck me in this place with the unhappiness of the old me, the insecurity of the old me, the smarts of the new me, the OCD of the new me, the meaness of the old me, and the sarcasticness of the new me. This all together is a sucky person that is worse than any me I have been. I am me and no one can stop me!

From where I'm standing life is gonna look a lot different.