Lying through my teeth

From where I'm standing I'm sick of being an outsider. Do you ever want to just feel like you belong? Shouldn't when you find that group, of people you feel like you belong with, stick with them? Why is life so much like a roller coaster. I spend my days inside my head. I think about what has happened in the past, what is happening now, and what I think and/or want to happen in the future. I find that the past seems to fluctuate between good and bad, the present always seems bad, and the future depends on if I'm thinking of what I want to happen or what I think will happen. I wan to remain close to my friends, but I hnestly don't think that will happen. I have wasted so much time thinking about whether its worth the effort... Should I make my relationship with them better or should I let it keep going the way it has been. It's not that I feel like they don't like me or even that I don't like them its more about timing, priorities, communication, and the relationship we already have. I have never been the type of person to let others in on what I am feeling or thinking. I used to think it was a way of protecting myself, but more and more I think it is a way to ruin myself. By holding everything in I get in weird moods that make me angry, emotional, happy, or unhappy. I find myself in the mood of angry at this moment. I want so badly to feel like I belong in a group or with someone, but because of the wall I have built I can't reach out to anyone when I need it. I don't trust myself let alone anyone else. I am a closed book. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that I will change or that I even could. I have tried to be more open, but find that when trying I lose who I am and thats not worth it. I am not sure what to do at this point...

lyrics describing how I feel about my friends:

here's to you
and all your loving thoughts
here's to you
you're such a fuckin' bore
here's to youf
or bringing me down
here's to you
...
here's to you (here's to you)
for bringing me down
here's to you (here's to you)
i'm glad you're gone now
ain't it true
what comes around goes around
here's to you (what comes around goes around)
here's to you (i'm glad you're gone now)
ain't it truewhat comes around goes around
here's to all the fucked up things you do

"Here's to You"
Diffuser


From where I'm standing I'm confused!